Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
...so i touched it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
