Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
