my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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