This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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