I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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