you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
