turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
