You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Life is so much better after having sex.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
