So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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