I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
