did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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