i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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