I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize