hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
