a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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