stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
