I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
