I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
