I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
