And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
