The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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