But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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