My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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