he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
