i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Sorry about my life...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
