and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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