And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
