I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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