my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
