The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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