I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
