for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
