I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
