i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
