theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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