K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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