I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize