I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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