Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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