I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
