I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
