i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
