So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
