I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
