Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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