it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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