people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
