how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
