Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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