remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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