Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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