I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
