I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
