I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
