Girls should come with a carfax report
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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