I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
