First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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