im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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