Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize